i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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