just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
