Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
