she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
