where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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