My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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