not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
