The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
