I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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