Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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