New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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