He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
