We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
