Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
