Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
