I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
