He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
