Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
