I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
