His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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