a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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