So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
