sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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