I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
