There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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