hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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