at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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