Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
