I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize