I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
