so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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