those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
