Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
