End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Blood and glitter go together right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
