you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
it's like iHOP with fire
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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