Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
