this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
