When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
