I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
