My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
