That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
