You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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