I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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