I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
