I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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