The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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