Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
