just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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