i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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