new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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