I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
