I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
