Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
