Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
