goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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