gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
