Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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