I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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