I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
