At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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