Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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