I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
